In Need Of Some Guidance

You know those days where you wake up and you just want to cry? For no apparent reason at all?

Well... this pretty much sums up how I feel today:

I lay in bed this morning and just had a good cry.
My life is so up in arms right now - above and beyond trying to stick out the next couple of months in this hell hole I call home with a desk job I love but right now just want to run away from, I'm also busy editing my novel and let me tell you that picking apart my book straight after finishing it is completely soul destroying.

Why else do I feel like this??? Well, because I'm so frustrated that I actually fear for the lives of anybody that comes across me today.

Let me explain.....

I just realized that I've only been back from my first travels of 2015 for ELEVEN days.. and already it feels like I've been back for a lifetime. 

I guess that's when you know there's a problem.

Can you remember when you were a kid? Around Christmas time or your birthday... you'd write a letter to Santa or a wishlist to you parents for what you wanted that year. 

It was always things like a new Nintendo game, the latest Barbie doll, a TY Beanie Baby, a Tamagotchi.. or in my case a little brother or sister (but that was just pushing it...).

Write your list now, of what you would want at this moment. 

What's on it???

When did we do the flip from wanting a little toy airplane to wanting that paper ticket to board a real plane? 

My list is filled with things that money can't buy. 

Things like freedom, wholeness and happiness. 

All I want in life is to travel the world...... (and maybe a new surfboard and a Go Pro camera.. and a manicure and pedicure because it actually pains me to look down at my nails right now).

But really... that is all I want. To travel the world with no limitations.

I don't want a day job, sitting behind a desk with a build up of admin papers so high I can't see over the top of them. 

I don't want the perfect house under my name and the fancy sports car that's entirely paid off. 

That isn't me. 

I used to think that some part of me wanted the double story beach house, a nice Ford to get around in and buckle my three hypothetical kids safely into while driving them to school.

I used to think I wanted the husband to cook meals for every night and a great career to brag about.

But I don't.

As the days have gone on lately I have realized that all I really want... is nothing. 

All I really want is nothing and everything all at once.

I want to travel the world with no obligations.. but it's been so drilled into my head that you need to marry and have kids that a part of me thinks I'm running out of time!

Get this... I meet this absolutely breathtaking bloke that is the DEFINITION of what I want for the life that I used to think I wanted.... and a HUGE part of me is petrified to let him slip through my fingers.

So what do I do???

Do I go off and adventure around the world carefree, relying on destiny and fate to one day bring me and this guy back together IF it's meant to be????

Or do I put aside these whimsical dreams of mine and just get on with life as it should be? As we're told it should be.

Or maybe it's because I used to dream of proposals and marriage, falling pregnant and living happily ever after so much that maybe now because none of that has happened for me I just really feel it isn't going to happen??? Maybe that's why I've moved on to dreaming about something new.

I have cats and a nephew that make it so hard to just GO for months on end anyway. I'd miss them terribly and my cats would more than likely disown me, my nephew would forget me... there's just so much to consider and things that could potentially break my heart in the process.

But counteracting that is the fact that you just can't escape the bitchiness that comes with living in a small town. Whether it be from friends, family or work-colleagues. 

There's a lot you can't escape... but that's been the one thing that's been bugging me a bit more than others lately. I just have this huge urge to run away and take all of those people that put you down or talk behind your back, look at you funny or are just downright mean and put them into a lockable box and bury them. Then I want to forget where I buried them while I'm off trotting around the globe, filling my heart and soul with INTERESTING and LIKE-MINDED people. I just want to get away.  

By 2pm I was feeling a lot better... 

I'd been in touch with some travel agents and pretty much secured my accommodation for my stay in the Philippines which I am VERY excited about. 

A whole week at a surf camp in South East Asia - ALONE. 

Angels are singing.

The only way to make yourself feel better about any situation you are in is to get on with it and figure it out. You are the only one that can fix your current rut. 

So that is what I am doing.. escaping for a while to Asian territory.. and after chatting with travel agents and a friendly Italian man named Gianni who runs the surf camp in the Philippines, I am feeling much more perked up. 

PLUS after work I have another Crossfit class and although I can hardly manage to pick up a kettle right now.. I am really keen for it!

Even though I said that you are the only person that can make the choices and fix things in your life... I still need some guidance from you all:

I consider many of you to be true friends to me after these years of connecting and keeping in touch and so your advice through the comment you leave me is always appreciated. 

I need help. 

Maybe this is all some sort of an alcohol withdrawal breakdown. I'm on day 4 of no drinking today and maybe my body is punishing me.

That must be it.